Ok, so tonight will be my first poker game since Ava was born. Will I be back into the weekly routine? Ha! Maybe monthly if I'm lucky...but for those of you who want some great pointers that will be sure to make you finish in the top 3...follow my rules below (60% of the time, they work everytime)
1. Don't play stupid. Yeah, it's obvious...but for some reason I have to remind myself of this rule on an average of once every 10 hands. Poker can get boring when the cards are cold. Impatience will kill you. I love laying in the weeds chasing garbage in hopes that I can destroy what should be a great hand...I LOVE being that guy...but it's expensive, and is only a way to irritate people...which of course I like doing. But I like to win more. Wanna be a renegade? Do it! I would LOVE to take your money.
2. Don't wash your face for a month straight. This will cause you to break out like the fry guy at Wendy's. Get that giant zit to the point of bursting...right on the tip of your nose or chin...it's sure to keep the attention of everyone at the table...hopefully enough to keep them from noticing your less than subtle tells.
3. Play with bad poker players. Of course, by doing this you are bound to get burned a few times on some jack-arse playing 7/2 suited and beating your 3 of a kind with a weak flush. But not to worry, any money they win on hands like that just makes them cocky and they'll start chasing everything..only to plunder, and leave you walking away in first.
4. Don't play against me. I'm a table killer. You think you know me? You think you know my game? You don't! I don't even know my game. It changes every day. But it works, and you fear it. With good reason. Ok, that's a bunch of B.S.
5. Don't cocktail it up! This seems to be a rule that only I need to follow, but it seems to pay off. I can have one beer/cocktail...maybe a 2nd late in the game. But if i have a couple before or keep a full glass during the game, Mr. Play it Right quickly becomes Mr. Play Everything. I tend to not like to sit and be bored while I'm having a cocktail or three, so waiting for hands to show up just doesn't jive with Jack Daniels.
So the odds of me winning tonight (based on the rules above) should be high! I'm smart as can be, so playing stupid hopefully won't be a problem. My face is captivating, so that always holds the attention of everyone at the table enough so they don't notice my leg bouncing like a mad man...and the guys I'm playing with....wow...horrible poker players (specially those Sharp brothers). I can't play against myself, so i'm safe there. So the key will be to not cocktail it up...which should be easy...since it's 193 miles from my house to Wade's, so gotta keep it sober for the drive home.
I sure hope these tips help (they won't, your game is hopeless...nothing can help it). I'll be sure to post the results of tonights game tomorrow, so be sure to check back...
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7 comments:
blogs rule...
holy crap I can't read all that.
Yeah...staying focused at work? Not me.
I'd add one more tip... Eat a lot of cheetoh's during the game so you can secretly mark the cards... after a few rounds, you'll know what everyone has and victory will soon follow. Of course, I tried this in on-line poker and it didn't work very well. Plus, it was hard to clean my 20" LCD screen.
You are the last person anyone should be taking poker tips from.
You are the worst poker player I have ever seen. You should be honored I even let you play at my table. Maybe if you watch enough, you might learn something
Okay now that the cards have been plaid and the chips have been counted I think the record needs to be set straight. Out of all the tips that where give by Steve 'Couldn't get into the money' Shallman I am confident that these tips did not work last night. One cocktail limit didn't matter, I had many. Don't play against Steve, well that one didn't matter. Don't play stupid, well this one is questionable, I am thinking maybe Steve just wasn't getting the cards last night. Also to set the record straight, Steve mentioned the Sharp brothers being horrible poker players, well he is half right, however I think it is just the 'youth' factor of the younger brother that brought him down. Oh and if you are wondering this Sharp brother took home the silver and gold !!!
It appears that my rules paid off for Wade...he read them about an hour before the first game and he was in the money both games! 2nd and 1st! Way to go Wade...glad i could help :) I on the other hand finished 5th I believe...not my best performance, but the cards were pretty cold...I didn't play the 2nd game...way past my bedtime. I played well with the cards i was dealt though...at least I wasn't near 1st out, right Nik!?!?!
I think Wade is still drunk...unless plaid is a special word used in poker only.
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